Last weekend I had the inestimable pleasure of having dinner with a bunch of awesome fatties from the intarwebs. There was wine, delicious food (thinks Kate & Chris!), lots of laughing, screaming, hugs, cleavage, and talking about cleavage.Â It was an entirely fabulous night, and it got me thinking about quite a few things.
First of all, while I was a little nervousness about meeting new people – even people I knew online – I didn’t have that sense of steeling myself for it, the dread of not fitting in because I’m fat.Â I know social stuff can be tricky for a lot of folks, but there’s something about the immediate visual difference of being deathfat that seems to add an extra layer of challenge for me.Â The (real or imagined) pressure I usually feel to immediately overcome (real or imagined) assumptions about my intelligence, interests, tastes, self-esteem, sex life, or general awesomeness just wasn’t there.Â And I liked it!
The other amazing thing about hanging out with fatties was the free clothes! Kate very generously offered a bunch of clothes to new homes and I picked up a couple of dresses and a top which I adore.Â I think it’s actually the first time in my life I’ve been the beneficiary of someone else’s generosity in this way.Â I’m usually too big for other people’s clothes; it’s always been me handing things on.Â This was amazing and exciting and I felt more grateful and more guilty than I probably needed to.Â The best of my new acquisitions is a form-fitting black frock with a fishtail bottom that makes me thing of Divine if she were a Melbourne hipster who wore all black all the time and not a fabulous and colourful queen.Â I’ve actually been holding off posting this entry until I could get a photo to illustrate, but for now Divine herself will be more than enough.Â (I will try to get a photo up in the next few days, though.)
The other thing I’ve been thinking about a lot is how I use social media.Â There’s a lot in this I want to think through more, but when we talked about weather people were like their online personas, it made me hope that I’m not.Â I realised that my twitter feed is kind of angry – I tend to use it as a quick outlet for frustrations (mostly at Metro Trains).Â I do tweet delicious and beautiful things as well, and use it to connect with a lot of fatties, so it’s not all angry, but it’s certainly not how I (think I) am in real life.Â My livejournal account is mostly dormant – I use it mainly for commenting, for checking out the fatshionista community, and occasionally for extreme emo.Â My facebook status is primarily made up of song lyrics, which can be awkward when people misinterpret them as being about my actual life (I’ve started using “/” to indicate line breaks in the hope of stopping that).Â As for this blog, it’s more serious and confessional than I really am in person, while my other blog is pure joy.Â It’s a slightly uncomfortable feeling, to think about the gaps between my self-image and my self-representation.Â And none of this even touches on reading practices, which for me are very different from my writing practices.Â But that’s a whole ‘nother post.